Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
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[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
