Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

OKAY DAD

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat

ME: yes!

FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird

ME: yes!

FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog

ME: omg yes!

FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby

ME: ugh fine

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

How wrong was this guy?

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

HELP 😭

shit just got real

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.