Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
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Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
This raises questions
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
A small tragedy.
Roses are red
Pizza sauce is too
I ordered a large
And none of its for you