Rich people don’t understand cereal
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Best table by far
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”