Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
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Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.