Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
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Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I can’t be the only one 😂
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Truth
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”