rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
You deplete me
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
