Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
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Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.