Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
You Might Also Like
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
#FunnyLife Insects
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Cyber Monday has become too commercialized
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.