Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

Me: Go clean your room.

10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.

If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

#milo

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.

Them: Why?

Me: My car is haunted.

Them: Haunted?

Me: So haunted.

3 Body Problem is just me weighing myself

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.