Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
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Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”