Rich People Podcasts are wild.
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I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”