Rich People Podcasts are wild.
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Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.