rich people when they have to pay taxes
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The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
bat life
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care