Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

I don’t care what the scale says.

I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.