Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

no way 😭

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.

~ Theresa May

I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.