Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

My favorite sport ? Lasagna

cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

Good Morning.

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund

store manager: that’s a rocket launcher

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits