Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
making sure he doesnt get away
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
