babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
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Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Thursday
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.