richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
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When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Worst perfume name ever.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
My work here is don’t.