richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
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pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
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Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
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High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Sign at work today
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My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.