Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
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parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
If you breakdance you buy dance.