Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

I love you…

…r dog.

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

👀

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off

– airlines airlining

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.

Before crowbars crows drank alone

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.

Something Saturday.

The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.

My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!