Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
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calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.