Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

2022: I can fix it

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

tis the season