Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme