Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
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me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.