Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

– four physicians that I’ve outlived

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

Women’s version: Body Soap

Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.