Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
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The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?