Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.

Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.

1-year-old: *eats it*

*screams in pain*

Me: At least you learned your lesson.

1: *eats another one*

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

murder on the timeline

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.