Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

#CatsOnTwitter

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding

Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*