.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
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My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Me driving through Toronto
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
excuse me
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
“You’d better run, egg!”
School be like
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
This is amazing.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.