Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story

ADAM: oh look the McRib is back

EVE: stop calling me that

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.

How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?