Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#CoronaOutbreak

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.

Investor: I can see what you’re saying.

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus