Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

“Huge”.

11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?

Me: That depends. How old are you?

11: I’m eleven.

Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha

11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”

Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”

People: “No, not like that.”

Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”

People: “Wait…”

Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

[speed dating session]

Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.

Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*

Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros