riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
You Might Also Like
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I have so many questions.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
They did not miss in the small print
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.