riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
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More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.