RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
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Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Mad Max: Furry Road
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.