Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

are they though??

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

I wish I were this cool 😂

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom