Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

Still laughing at this stupid meme

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

Netflix: We have Less

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:

* Hot buttery death!

* HR will hear about this!

* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!

* Brenda!

* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?

Wise advice