Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

VENOM: Time to meet your maker!

SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?

VENOM: No, like-

SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.

Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment

How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.