Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.

SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.

PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?

SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?