Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

Husband: *driving*

Me: *breathing judgmentally*

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

Morning.

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]

A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-

Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up

Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal