RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
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Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people