Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.

Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”

“Condescending?” Who put that word into your pretty little head?

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

Good news

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?

Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

*fills out form*

*clicks “send me a copy”*

email: *dings*

me: ooh what’s that

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.