Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

My current situation

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver