Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

A mustache is just mouth bangs.

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

Death certificates are our last participation award.

my nickname in college

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

ME: So you’re into religion. Really??

DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.

ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.