RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
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Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.