Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
You Might Also Like
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear