Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
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Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5