Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
You Might Also Like
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep