Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

Women’s version: Body Soap

Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.