Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

<- sleeps well with others

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.