*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
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‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!