Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”

Son?

“Yes dad?”

If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…

“Yes?”

Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

Ion see the issue

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.