Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

guys i’ve cracked the code

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.

Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done

doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.

me: 🙁

doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.

me: 😂

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.