Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, it’s expected.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

*watching John Wick*

Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce