Ridiculous. He should be in jail
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[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.