@PJTLynch

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

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@robfee

Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible.

@waydybee

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

@TheBoydP

Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:

6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out

@ellewasamistake

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

@jakob_huber

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

@Cheeseboy22

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

@Uxmmi

Childhood injuries: Fell off my bike, fell out of a tree, twisted my ankle. Adult injuries: Slept wrong, sat down too long, sneezed too hard.

@Zaufo

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.