Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible.
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if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Childhood injuries: Fell off my bike, fell out of a tree, twisted my ankle. Adult injuries: Slept wrong, sat down too long, sneezed too hard.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.