Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
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“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.