Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
You Might Also Like
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.