*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
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[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.