Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

Dating Profile

Sex: Probably

Favorite Food: Yes

Favorite Movie: Star Wars

Favorite Book: LOLZ

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

Home #decor warning.

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*

Me: Nice work with picking a random password.

Wife: It’s our anniversary.

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*