Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

Me [double-clicking a word to select it]

Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?

Me: no, just the one word

Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?

Me: no, just that word…

Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page

Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”

[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]

Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

no regrets

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.