Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

Mad Max Arctic Road

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah