The awkward moment when someone’s zipper is down & you don’t know whether to tell, because you can’t explain why you were looking that low.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
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My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
The French cow says MEUX…
[1st day working in a Bank]
*gang comes in with a knife in their hands*
ME: *rushes over to them* Can you chop these apples for me
I got a new stick of deoderant. Instructions said: ‘remove cap & push up bottom’. I can barely walk but when I fart the room smells lovely
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse