@_ElvishPresley_

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

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@handsock_butts

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

@yayraptor

interviewer: what is ur weakness?

me: follow up questions

interview: care to elaborate?

me: [quivers with fear]

@HeyoShellz

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

@Chumpstring

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

@ixix82

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

@FadeAway2

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

@wettbutt

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead