Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
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Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
interviewer: what is ur weakness?
me: follow up questions
interview: care to elaborate?
me: [quivers with fear]
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead