[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
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America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive