[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
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Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
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No, why?
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.