[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
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Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face