[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
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*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
handsome & gretel
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT