[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
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The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
early stone age tool
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t