[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
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before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now