riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
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Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Kermit goes Blue.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.