riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
You Might Also Like
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
✌🏽
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake