Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

Kids: [inside playing on their phones]

Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.

[3 minutes later]

Kids: [outside playing on their phones]

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?