Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
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[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills